I had a near meltdown last Saturday.
Now for some, a meltdown entails just sitting in your car, balling your eyes out, while stuffing your face with ice cream or other delicious fattening treats to help remedy that impending sense of doom and oppressive, malign, forces that weigh against your psyche. I'm one for three on that.
I've had some... issues, before. I've dealt with massive amounts of frustrations, confusions, feelings of inadequacy in the face of surmounting stress, bearing down on your face and back and thoughts until you just feel... crushed, upended. Wrecked and ruined. You're tyring to pull yourself back together and you're just grasping at straws; just a breath of wind dashes them apart, scatters them far, far out of your reach, until you realize that you were the one throwing them away in the first place.
Imagine having no sense of self, and you''re trying to draw those elements of your person back together, pulling them close to you, but they end up fitting all wrong. You pull and you pull and you pull and nothing fits. You feel that everything is broken, but the fact that no part of yourself is really broken, it's just that you can't figure out how all of yourself used to fit together. It gets more puzzling, because you know that they all worked together, some how, and you knew that there is a away to get yourself to function again... but nothing fits, and nothing works, and the harder you try to jam the pieces of yourself back together the more you end up just hurting yourself. You're frantic trying to get everything to fit because life is happening all around you and if you don't get yourself working again then all of the momentum you've gained is lost, and you'll have to start again at zero, and whatever happens you don't want to start at zero again, so you're desparate and you're hammering those portions of yourself back together and nothing is working and everything is breaking and then everything is just... broken.
Yeah, meltdown.
I hate my brain sometimes. I'm convinced that the things I'm panicking about is really no big deal, but at the same time I'm equally convinced that nothing is right, everything is wrong, failure, failure, failure failure. No matter how much you try to convince yourself how unsound and unreasonable your brain is being at this moment, you're just flying apart, trying to keep yourself together for the next day, the next interaction with people you will have to face.
I hate it when people worry about me, mostly because I don't want people to stumble over themselves in trying to help me. I've dealt with this issue for a long, long time. Trust me, the effort is appreciated, but I'll be fine in a couple days. Please don't worry about it.
It's hard to express into words what I was feeling last Saturday... what I've tried to write here still feels grossly inadequate. Trying to capture an accurate (much less succinct) description of it... It's just not possible. All I come up with is just words, words, unrelated words. No structure, no sense of organization or concerted thought, just raw... something.
I'm doing better now though. I had a bowl of ice cream. :D
See you next week.
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